Tending the Fire - “I’m less sweet than I used to be”
The infertility journey is total shit, but one thing I’m grateful for is the learning and growth I’ve had around boundaries. This text message is one example. I’ve sent a version of this to a few friends and get butterflies each time. It feels strange to make a request about something so personal to someone else; AND I know it’s needed. After the recurring heartbreak of infertility and loss, it’s needed for me and my well-being, and also for the well-being of our friendship. I also trust that I’ve surrounded myself with loving people who will understand and respect this type of request.
“Boundaries” has become such a buzzword, but I’m still a big fan. It’s a buzzword for a reason!
Social Scientist, Brené Brown, defines boundaries as: “what’s okay and what’s not okay.” Boundaries are respect, she says.
In addition to this definition, I think of boundaries as information that reduces the amount of mind-reading expected between us. For example, if I hadn’t communicated my wishes about pregnancy announcements, my dear friends would probably be wondering– Is it most respectful to tell her in-person? Should I call? Wait for her to see the IG post? Block her from the IG post to spare her? I would be expecting them to read my mind to know my preference around this beautiful, yet emotionally complex, announcement. It’s harder for us both that way.
Visually, I like to imagine boundaries as semi-permeable membranes, like cells and 7th grade science, remember? The mitochondria stays in, the water goes in and out. By constructing and honoring boundaries, we have a smidge more control over what (and how) goes in and out of our semi-permeable membranes.
It can be helpful to remember that boundaries can be co-created too. Like in this example, I asked my friend if this worked for them. If it didn’t, we would collaborate to find a path that works for both of us. Boundaries aren’t walls. They don’t keep people out. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Research shows that boundaries allow for more compassion and generosity.
As Brené Brown says, “We are not comfortable setting boundaries because we care more about what people will think and we don’t want to disappoint anyone, we want everyone to like us. And boundaries are not easy, but I think they’re the key to self-love and treating others with loving kindness.”
Setting boundaries challenges my people-pleasing tendencies; I have to be willing to stand in my own needs rather than deferring to others’. That can feel uncomfortable sometimes, but this Brené Brown quote shows the impact: “I’m not as sweet as I used to be, but I’m far more loving.” Halle-freakin-lujah! That’s a tradeoff I’m happy to make.
How about you, dearest reader? What does “boundaries” mean to you? What boundaries have you set and where might setting some be helpful? These questions and more are in the Invitation section below if you want to explore.
Yours with less sweetness and more love,
Shannah 🤍
Nurtured Founder & Coach
Your turn! Let’s check in. The following questions are here as a way to tend your fire.
Remember, this doesn’t have to be a big time commitment to be helpful. If it feels good, put on a song, pick one question from the list, and noodle until the song ends.
My definition of “boundaries” is:
A visual image of “boundaries” that feels resonate to me is:
A boundary that I’m proud of myself for setting and honoring is:
It would probably be helpful to set and honor a boundary around this topic:
Something that sometimes holds me back from setting boundaries is:
One thing I will do TODAY to nurture a needed boundary is:
Big bravo for taking a moment to explore, check in, and tend your own fire. 🔥 If you would like to have your responses witnessed, I would be delighted to receive them! Email me anytime at shannah@gonurtured.com.
Also, I’m (clearly) a Brené Brown fan and have read many of her books. The quotes shared today are from this brief and powerful (sub-6-minute) interview.
Looking for some accountability on your boundary-building? Look no further! I’m here and happy to support you in identifying the boundaries you want/need to set, removing blocks holding you back, and creating a plan for putting them into place. Let’s chat! <3